He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
