my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize