I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
