Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
