i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
