3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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