A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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