we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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