nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
