My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
