Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
BRING THE BAGELS
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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