I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize