What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
