Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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