Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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