He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
