Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He better not be in your backpack
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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