We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
