Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
