i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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