I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
