i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I need a beard to bite.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize