This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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