I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
