I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sorry about my life...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
