the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
