So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
