just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
