mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize