he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
