I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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