i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
