Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
