I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
