Swine flu. Run for my life!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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