our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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