i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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