you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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