Your dad touched me again.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
