you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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