i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
