I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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