we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
