you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
