just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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