the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize