i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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