Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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