false alarm. still invincible.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
