I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
