I am spending my child support on dildos
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
