im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
how do you play pong handcuffed?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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