why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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