Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
