My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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