you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
