I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
