My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Randomize
