Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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