its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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