If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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