So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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