I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
