Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
