I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
