Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize